This post was written by an anonymous contributor.
Tokophobia is a condition that affects millions of women around the world. It is a fear or phobia of pregnancy and childbirth that can cause extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and even avoidance of pregnancy altogether.
The idea of pregnancy has always terrified me. Dread doesn’t even come close to the feelings of panic when I imagine myself pregnant. When friends post maternity photos showing off their pregnant bellies tagged with how many weeks pregnant they are, I feel a sense of relief that that’s not me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, truly, even if it’s not something I know I would be able to handle myself.
Part of me wonders if my fears were born from a childhood spent not relating to “girly” pursuits. I never wanted to wear dresses and I didn’t play with dolls. All my friends were the neighborhood boys who played with action figures and were into sports like football and soccer. I grew up in Birmingham, Alabama, and spent most of my free time outside in the dirt. I was very athletic and strong and I loved feeling like one of the boys.
As I got older and started to discover my feminine side more, feelings of dread towards pregnancy didn’t subside. If anything they intensified.
Then something terrible happened. My sister-in-law got pregnant and travelled abroad early in her pregnancy. While overseas and off the grid she acquired a serious infection. Being pregnant left her body less able to fight her infection. She is now permanently and severely disabled. She also unfortunately lost her child through a miscarriage as doctors tried to save her life. I felt horrible for my brother and for my sister-in-law. But my fears felt validated. This could have happened to me I thought over and over again.
Now that I’m in my early 30s, I desperately want to be a mom. My therapist, who was an intended parent herself!, mentioned surrogacy to me and it’s now a path I am on. While I may personally dread pregnancy and I am likely to never get over my fears, I love knowing there are women out there that enjoy being pregnant and are happy to help women and families like myself. In fact, I am currently expecting a child with a surrogate!
I recently became close to a woman I work with. She is 15 years older than me. When I shared my story and surrogacy journey with her, she confessed to me “If I would have known surrogacy was an option, I too, would have loved to have become a mom. I’m also terrified of pregnancy. It’s too late for me, though”.
I don’t feel that I’m alone or my situation is all that unique. I’m happy to know that the word about surrogacy is growing. I see it as women helping each other.
